Cobra Kai: Johnny Lawrence Quotes That Made Us Laugh

Johnny Delivered the Funny Lines in Cobra Kai

Scroll to see quotes from all seasons of Cobra Kai

He was the bad boy in “The Karate Kid’ but has found redemption in “Cobra Kai.” His dopey, cutting remarks make him endearing (sometimes even when they’re mean). He’s a bit of a mess (I mean, he pees on his own car) but you have to admit, there’s just something about Johnny Lawrence. Let’s take a look at his funny quotes, lines, sayings, one-liners and moments from Cobra Kai.

Cobra Kai Comedic Moments and Sayings Courtesy of Johnny

Season 1

Episode 1

Right from the start of the series we’re laughing as Johnny is in bed with a Coors can and a bag of chips. Truthfully, we totally get it.

Episode 2

The Vice Principal calls Johnny to tell him Robby was caught with Molly. “Who’s Molly? That some chick he’s hooking up with?” Johnny asks the VP.

Episode 3

“Kicks get chicks” – Johnny as he’s handing flyers to guys on an outdoor basketball court. Should we start keeping track of how many times Johnny says “chicks?”

Episode 5

Johnny says the reason there are no girls in Cobra Kai: “Same reason there aren’t women in the army, doesn’t make sense.”

Episode 6

“Nice shirt” he tells a kid in class who responds “thanks.” “I’m joking it sucks,” Johnny retorts.

“Makes me feel like a virgin, just looking at you,” he says to another kid in the class.

Episode 7

“Drink it. It’ll put hair on your balls,” Johnny tells Miguel while pouring him a drink after their successful night. “Is that a good thing?” Miguel asks. “Yeah, it’s a good thing” Johnny says.

Episode 9

At the bar with Daniel when he finds out Ali is a doctor: “I knew she was smart but I figured she was hot enough to avoid work.”

Episode 10

A burst out laughing moment. Johnny peeing on the Larusso Auto Group license plate of his own car while drunk (upset about Robby at Daniel’s house) and he shouts “we’re all gonna die kid. We’re all gonna die” when one of his students sees him (parking lot outside the convenience store).

Season 2

Continuing with Johnny Moments That Made Us Laugh

Episode 1

Home improvement store guy asks Johnny if that was a real gopher in Caddy Shack, Johnny replies “I don’t know I was partying with babes back then.” Babes, chicks, it’s how Johnny talks.

Episode 9

While at the Mexican restaurant he says “no green stuff!” to the waitress while ordering his food, solidifying his persona as an out of touch dude.

This season was much more serious than Season 1.

Season 3 of Cobra Kai Kept Us Laughing with Johnny

This season was tricky because of Johnny’s direct approach in handling Miguel. Some might see it as funny, some might see it as insensitive or harsh. What do you think? Tell us in comments.

Episode 2

“Your car’s ringing,” Johnny says while riding in the car with Daniel, who gets a call on his cell.

Episode 3

When Bobby explains he’s not a priest, Johnny says to him: “So your wang can still get tang, nice.”

Episode 5

Johnny, determined to get Miguel to walk, dangles a swimsuit magazine from a fishing in pole in front of him, saying they’re “Tastiest babes in 1988.”

While looking up treatments for Miguel on the computer, Johnny says “webmmmmdd” as one word, not Web M. D.

Episode 6

“Your legs are still pussies.” Johnny tells Miguel.

The show paints Johnny as a caveman of sorts, having him stab a sushi roll to eat it. While some of us can’t believe there are people who haven’t had sushi before, I am related to some of these people so this scene works as a Johnny funny moment.

Episode 7

Johnny named the new dojo “Eagle Fang” which is funny in that we’re pretty sure Johnny things Eagles have fangs. A student points out the big bird doesn’t have such teeth, but Johnny was undeterred.

Episode 9

Johnny tells Carmen: “I don’t want to screw things up with Miguel, then again, you’re pretty hot.” What woman wouldn’t want to hear such sweet nothings?

When Ali says she’s getting divorced, Johnny tells her: “Silver lining, you get to ditch Schwarber” (her married name).

Episode 10

“Nice suit made of velvet, do you sleep in that?” Johnny says to Daniel at the country club party. At the same function, Johnny lifts a comedic eyebrow to Daniel when Ali tells him she is no longer married.

Season 4 of Cobra Kai

Episode 1

“By kicking their a**es so hard they sh*t themselves,” Johnny says while Daniel is trying to more calmly motivate the students. Adding, “They strike first, we’ll pre-strike!” “C’mon you maggots, faster!” Johnny says to the students during training.

While cooking for Miguel, Carmen and Carmen’s mother he dumps jarred salsa on their food “I wanted it to be authentic…just like the old country.”

Daniel is meditating with the students, Johnny can be heard in the background screaming “don’t be a p***y, punch him in the face.”

Episode 2

Johnny takes a drink from a beer at Daniel’s house. “Fruit in your beer. Figures.”

During training he says he’s going to “freeze my nuts off for inner peace.”

“Light beer. Veggie burgers. Automatic transmission. Might as well let another dude bang your chick,” to Daniel.

Episode 4

“Not manly enough,” Johnny says while making Manwiches.

Episode 5

“You better take off after your bridge partner,” he says to Kreese. (He’s referring to Terry Silver who in real life is younger than Ralph Macchio).

His tweet about his fight with Daniel said “hashbrown dead meat.”

Johnny finds out the competition has a new category. “Kata isn’t karate it’s dancing. What’s this girls’ division? Thought they were all about women’s lib. They ought to man up and take a punch like the rest of us.”

“Try not to breath too much. There’s black mold in the corner,” Johnny tells the students when they start running.

Funny scene with Miguel and Johnny trying to find female recruits at the track.

Episode 6

About recruiting female students: “Big waste of time. I even learned feminism”

Episode 7

We want to know more about why Johnny can’t go back to Applebees, something about their loaded potato soup.

Things get awkwardly funny when Johnny and Carmen talk to Miguel about dating. “So your mom and I are hooking up.”

“Shut the hell up pen-s breath” he screams to a student, then later “Not bad pen-s breath, you’ll get ‘em next time.”

Another awkward talk with Miguel: “We want you to be safe. Always where protection.” “No don’t wear protection. Uh let the girl decide that.”

Johnny Quotes from Season 5 of Cobra Kai

Episode 1

Johnny walking out of a mini mart handing Robbie a cell phone: “It’s go 60 minutos on it. That’s like, 300 American minutes.”

“Don’t tell me it’s offensive. We bought it in Mexico. It’s their idea,” Johnny says when handing Robbie a toy dog with a sombrero.

Johnny’s big plan for finding Miguel: “If we come up dry, I’ll check the Mexican phone book.”

Johnny to guy on beach: “English?” Guy: “Australian” Johnny: “Good enough.”

“I’ll shove that surfboard so far up you’re a** your friends will be surfing you,” Johnny to guy on beach who tries to rob him.

Episode 2

When asked if he speaks Spanish. “No, America.”

“What apples? What tree?” He asks Robbie after bringing up “shake the tree.”

Regarding getting the van back: “…we need 4,000 pesos, that’s like a million dollars.” Robbie sets him straight.

Episode 3

Carmen: “I’m a couple days late.” Johnny: “For what?” Later he says “Alright, let’s pee on a stick.”

Episode 4

“Get your own, I got this guy right where I want him,” Johnny to Shannon about the scam job interview.

“Dork to door service,” Johnny says about tech guys coming to his house.

There were several when Demetri was at his house: “You’re my dork?” “Thanks for being a dork, or geek, or whatever you identify as.” “I didn’t say stop working dweeb.”

Johnny becomes a ride share driver so you knew there would be funny or awkward moments (like when Johnny pees in an empty beer can while driving). “Shut the hell up this is the best part” he says to a passenger.

Episode 5

Johnny turned his apartment into an escape room so what could go wrong. “So I did some interneting” he tells Robbie and Miguel.

Daniel says “Pandora’s Box” to Johnny, who replies: “I don’t know who Pandora is or what’s in her box.”

“So much for Goggle’s advice on conflict resolution.”

Episode 9

Johnny drinks a White Claw: “Tastes like watermelon took a piss.”

Episode 10

When fighting: “You think you can hurt me? I’m running on whiskey and White Claw baby.”

Funny Johnny Quotes from Season 6 of Cobra Kai

Episode 1

When trying to come up with their new name “It’s got your ‘do’ in there” he says to Daniel.

“Relax if I wanted to kill someone all I’d need is this” he holds up his fist.

Episode 3

“Remember Murtaugh on the crapper in Lethal Weapon 2?” Johnny says to Daniel, which Daniel later follows up with “I’m too old for this shi*.”

“The Mr. T one is mine,” Johnny says during the slumber party.

Episode 4

“I want a 15% bump and control of the showroom music,” Johnny says to Daniel at the car dealership.

“Somebody got their brown belt,” Johnny to Daniel after Kenny had an unfortunate bathroom accident.

Episode 5

“Plus they get to fight on live TV. Who knows what comes after that? Wheaties boxes, chop-socky flicks, ZZ Top videos. Sky’s the limit.” Johnny explaining the benefits of being a captain.

Johnny training the kids had several funny moments.

“You can have all the teeth” when a customer asks if a car comes with Blue Tooth.

Episode 6

“The shower’s just sneezing on me,” Johnny says about the hotel shower’s water pressure.

Episode 8

“Map looks flat to me,” when looking at the airplane tracker.

Episode 9

“That ponytailed prick is back.” I think we all know who he’s talking about.